Dear DbyDC: Help me stop online shopping

Dear Death by Dress Code,

Please help me avoid buying pretty things I don’t need on the internet. I am a mouse click away from giving £100 to benefit.

How do I stop?


Dear Online Philanthropist,

Wow, £100, that’s really generous. What’s the cause? Oh, Benefit. I see. Yeah… you probably shouldn’t do that.

Now I should warn you now that I am about to make a few assumptions about you. Call it prejudgement if you like. Either way, it’s happening. So firstly, you work in an office. Only people who sit in front of screens all day frustrated and bored while their melting, under-used brains slowly trickle out of their ears can truly understand what it means to seek solace in an online splurge. It’s so quick, it’s so easy. And the relief… oh! The pleasure is both instant and perfect. In that moment you realise, indeed you know, that everything is going to be okay. You didn’t really need a brain anyway, not when you can have Sugarbomb Sugar Rush Flush face powder.

Not many people know this but online shopping is actually an opiate. It’s true, it comes from the poppy. And its effects – though initially highly enjoyable – can be just as disastrous.*

Which brings me to my second assumption. You can’t, if you’re really honest with yourself, afford to spend £100 in Benefit. Or anywhere else for that matter. Clearly if you could you wouldn’t be writing to me (of all people) to ask for help. The momentary purchase-high is being seriously overshadowed by the all-consuming guilt and, more crucially, hunger when you realise it’s the end of the month and you can’t actually afford to buy breakfast cereal.

Thirdly, you aren’t a habitual make-up wearer. Because frankly if you were you wouldn’t be forking out all that money on Benefit products. Trust me. Never has the phrase “paying for packaging” been more appropriately applied. If you really want to blow your pay cheque on cosmetics, allow me to point you in the direction of Stila. Or Nars. In fact fuck it, just get your arse down to Space NK.

Because therein lies your salvation. What you actually need is not a spending binge but a break. Instead of sitting at your desk, clicking through page upon page of cream shadow and lip stain in search of anaesthesia, get up and leave the goddamn building. Go for a wander. Grab a coffee, read a chapter of your book. If you must pop into the shops then by all means do but if you really need a material pick-me-up, might I suggest Accessorize? Earrings cost under a tenner and I can guarantee you will get more wear out of them than an All-Over Shimmer Powder in ‘Kitten’ (kitten for fuck’s sake?!?!).

Don’t buy the ones in the picture, though. I’ve shotgunned those.

Snogs, DbyDC xx


*For propriety I should note that online shopping probably isn’t as bad as heroin.


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